I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
