Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
