When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
