I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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