Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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