I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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