im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
