Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
