I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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