awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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