I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
