You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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