He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
