Just mADE A PArabola og urine
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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