Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
