I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
