She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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