Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
