I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I don't want my vagina anymore.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
