you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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