I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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