When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
