i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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