Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
