I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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