I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
