During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
