genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
