if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
