We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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