Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
