Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
