I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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