you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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