best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
