Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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