I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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