What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
