just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
