Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize