Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
