Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
