Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
