i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
