I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
