You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hell yes lets make some ravioli
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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