Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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