Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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