I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My balls are so social today.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
