Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
