Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
